When I'm just a human

Felt like hurtly beaten up but couldn't put it in words.
Felt like crying but seems that I'm not allowed to do so.
Too scared to share because it's hard.
No matter how stubborn I said it won't matter, it actually matters.

Have you ever felt abandoned?
Have you ever felt like no matter how hard you try you will never be good enough?
It hurts. It's awful.

Have you ever felt like people see you as a ticking bomb of bad attitude?
Ready to blow and bring so much disaster.
That they just wish you won't be around as soon as possible.
It hurts. It's awful.

So awful that you can be crazy enough to leave everything behind. Without second thought. Put a stop.

You supposed to be you who never listen to any of it.
You supposed to be you who don't give a damn.
Unfortunately, it's only the ideal.
The truth is you listen. You give a damn.
And then you fell hurt. And you feel overhelmly awful.

People might think they are crazy for having difficulties to share things. But it's the truth, there are people who can't share everything easily. Those who feel too down to point out what's wrong. There are people who think they don't have the privilege to have best friend. There are people who think they are too low to be precious.
Life will give you tears and laughters. Everything has its time. We knew but often we forgot. Please look around a bit more. Don't be around your closest one only on good time. They need you more in their worse time. Even if you're unable to lend a hand, just by being there, sometime it is more than enough. Don't judge, that might be what worries them the most. Judgment from people. They don't need it from their closest one. They already got it from the rest of the world. So please, don't.
They might be on the point where they are running low of life. The point where they need to stop for a while. The point where it's so low that they are afraid they can't handle everything.
Truth is everyone can be on that point of their life. Some can easily share. Some simply can't.

STOP

Are you happy doing what you do now?

If not, STOP!

There are people who were born to exert oneself.

Yours is simply born to be happy.

So do it, be happy!

-selfish talk/ thought-

Call me crazy or probably old school.
But for me it's stupid when people start to tolerate or worse, thinking that it's a casual-normal thing when someone throw a bad attitude just because they're so used to doing it.

"She said rude things to me".
"Oya? But it's her. She often do that"

...
...
...

So what? So often that it's okay, it's normal?

Just because it's so often and turn out to be a habit
..it doesn't justify anything.
..it doesn't make it right.
..it doesn't make it nothing.
It's still bad. And I just don't get it.

Because it is okay

I always knew that it's okay to live your life the way you want it. The thing is I tend to forget

It is okay to have different opinions with anyone
It is okay to fall in love and not getting any in return
It is okay if you want to have a mediocre life.

It is okay if you're running out of breath and you need to stop. And cry.
It is okay to make mistakes, fall and regret it.
It is okay to fail and need more time to get up than normal people do.
It is okay to be not okay.
And it is okay to admit that you're not okay.

It is okay to say no to toxic.
To let go some people or some things that don't add value to your life is totally your rights.
If it makes you happy, do it.
Those who judge often are not the people who stay by your side especially on your worse time. So it's okay to sink their words down to the deepest hole. Or better, yet more difficult to do, don't listen to any.

It is okay to spend more time to listen to yourself even if it means more time alone away from everyone.
And it is okay to enjoy every second of it.
Sometimes being selfish for the sake of yourself is needed.
You being happy matter the most. To you.

Because at the end it's only between you and God.
You, your decision and your responsibility.
No one will be there to defend you
No one will be there to protect you.
And this goes for everyone.