I am in love with you

And how I wish you are too
Then I might wanna stand up and fight
For every inch of it
But I dream too high
So lets just sleep it away

I didn't want to blame God but I thought with just a snap of His finger He can fast forward the time and erase what I felt inside miraculously, but He didn't do that. I am upset, but I can't be far from God because I am so scared, so down. Worse, I felt worthless. He is the only one that I could run to. And deep down I know I still trust Him so much. This is a matter of me surrendering my heart to Him. Trusting bits and pieces of me to Him. Trust that He's working to give me peace and comfort.
It feels so unbearable now that I wish the wind can just blew out time. Fast. :'(

Promise.

To fall in love with you was easy
The charm, the kind, the smile
But nobody even try to warn
To watch you walk away will be tough
Now that I've fall for you, for so long
The bits and pieces come to one point
Where I have to pick it all by myself
To live with the consequences will be hard
I have to wipe you from me
Simply because you were never meant to be fall for
Simply because I know it will hurt deeper than I fall
Simply because you're only a day dream
How am I supposed to carry on
When you've been my surrounding
stucked in my days, stuffed in my head
If I have to drain the last pieces to look strong the day you're gone, I will do it
I promise the day you're gone will be the last day I'm in love with you
Promise.

She & her

Let me tell you a story about a girl. About her life.
She was born hapilly surrounded by her unique family. She enjoyed her life with the ups and the downs. Until she reached the real life (most would say that), she realized people thought her life was ultimately plain. She also started to believe it. But not that easy to influence her stubborn mind. She observed her surrounding and remember the "plain" life that she had been through. She whispered, almost everyday now, "thank you for letting me went through the so-called-plain-life-by-other, God". If He never interfered in her life and letting her taste the wild life, she might not be who she is now. Not saying that people who went through wild life are bad. She just knew it's the right thing for her. Simply knew. She saw by her own eyes how people who went through the wild life can't control what they did. Completely in no control. Not knewing the limit. She's not on board with the thought of knowing no limit. She choose to pass.
This girl also one sensitive girl. She and her inner circle knew exactly. Can't count anymore how much she curse  herself on being (too) sensitive. She felt every little changes that happened around her life, mostly over people closed to her. She hates it. When it comes to this matter, feeling come first. Logic will always get second place. Her friends told her that being sensitive is not always a bad thing. Sensitive people tend to be selfless. Others feeling often will be her primary concern because the thought of having to go through tough times lead her to try to help as much as she can. Just to put down some of the weight.
The fact that she is sensitive also influence her feeling. She never hates the people that she loved once. No matter how bad they hurt her, to hate them would be the last thing on her mind. Not because she doesn't want to hate. She just can't. Her forgiveness will always be there for them. Unfortunately some who's just so mean will used it.
This girl was born in the family who taught her to depend on God, and she grew up to be one. She doesn't care if people taught her life was plain. She's too thankful to be bother by people's thought. Yes, every second of her life, she thanked God. She live so simple that for her being thankful is important. She dislike those who keep on complaining, forget about the blessing that they already received. Even worse, complaining without doing anything. That's the stupidest thing for her. She always kept in her mind, "everything that you do, do it like you're doing it for God". Sometimes people might used the fact that she's a hardworking girl. But she knew, He is smilling up above knowing His child doing everything within her best. It's comforting enough for her. She felt content.
Not long ago, she got her heart broken by irresponsible people. Massive heart broken, you can tell. She always thought she already choose the best. She choose to stand strong defending her principle. But years went by, nothing change. She even felt that she tolerate too much. She lowered her standart, her principle. She knew it was wrong. She screamed, "STOP!". She had enough with all the tolerance that she has been given to those people. She was not going to continue being in this mislead thing. Though she had to sacfrifice her joy of being surrounded by those little firecrackers. She knew she had to stop. She grew more into the negative the last couple of years.
Do you know she fell in love with no reason? Yes, she did. Still do by the way. Unfortunately, she's one who put feeling above logic when it came to love. She still try to let the logic to come aboard first. She keeps on failing. Until she reached the point that she's too tired to fight harder. She decided to gave up and just let the love for no reason came in and do whatever it wants. She knew when the time come, she will stop. Maybe. She hopes. If only he can read this, she just want him to know, she fell for everything in him. Unexplaineable fell. She fell even before she met him. Fell more once she met him. Then she hated him. After that she fell for him again. Hated once more. Now, she fall and hate at the same time. Mixed up. Yet, she thanked him for being the protector, comfortor and joker around her this whole time. She's thankful (and sometimes curse) for having him crossed her life, though it's just a short period of time. She knew he's just too good to be true.

aku selalu bodoh ketika berurusan dengan debat

aku selalu kalah dan dengan mu pun aku kalah

mendebatmu aneh nya adalah kenyamanan

bahkan akan jadi yang paling aku rindukan

aku selalu tak mampu menatap langsung mata orang

menghindar selalu jadi senjata

mata mu tidak pernah bisa dihindarkan

tidak lama lagi bahkan akan jadi kesukaan

aku tidak ingin jatuh cinta semakin dalam padamu

karena tahu aku akan terperosok patuh
diombang-ambing sendu

aku sedang membawamu dalam setiap doa

di ujung hati yang paling ujung aku ingin kamu

tapi aku cuma ingin tidak sakit hati
sebatas itu saja

aku sedang membawamu dalam setiap doa
meminta Dia ambil kamu dari hati aku
membawa kamu jauh mulai dari sekarang
karna aku tidak ingin sakit hati
sebatas itu saja

sebatas itu saja
karna aku sedang memprediksi duka parah di ujung sana
karna aku sudah bisa melukiskan setiap gurat luka yang akan ada
karna aku tahu sampai seberapa aku bisa patah nanti nya
karna aku mengerti sesak nya akan sesakit apa

Bukan apa-apa, bukan siapa-siapa

Dengan kamu, aku jatuh hati bukan karena mata tapi sebatas cerita.

Waktu yang berlari di antara kita membuat aku mengira jatuh hati itu cuma emosi dan sudah habis.

Dan belakangan aku sadar malah makin jatuh hati.

Memikirkan kamu jadi kekasih bukannya tak pernah terlintas untuk kuminati

Tapi sungguh, mencintaimu tak seharusnya terjadi, tidak boleh terjadi.

Sebegitu inginnya aku melukai diri sendiri

Karna aku tahu dengan pasti mencintaimu hanya akan buat aku patah hati.

Entah untuk keberapa kali

Aku sedang marah pada si pencipta yang sekali lagi mengijinkan aku digiring kembali pada sang luka.

Aku memohon setengah mati, hentikan rasa yang berhasil menyelinap.

Aku terlalu sadar ketika dihadapkan pada rasa yang ujung nya cuma akan patah.

Aku tahu tidak akan pernah bisa.

Dari sekian manusia yang aku jatuhi cinta, kamu adalah yang paling tak mungkin aku punya.

Kamu ada di tingkatan di atas "tidak mungkin"

Aku tidak akan pernah lolos kualifikasi.

Kedua mata kamu, terlebih lagi hati mu.

Karna jika kita harus saling dibandingkan, aku bukan apa-apa
terlebih lagi bukan siapa-siapa.