I don't know how

There’s a saying “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone”

Problem is I know what I have but I don’t know what I would do if it’s gone.

I thought it would be like wave crashing the beach.

It might hurt but it won’t be that bad.

But as it was happening, felt like what I’ve been holding on to started to fade away

I was crippled.

My world teared apart with me not having a say at all.

Everything went down in front of my own eyes,

And I can do nothing

Two loves.

All my life, most of my decision, I considered people around me so much because they matter to me.

But for the first time I made a decision solely based on me.

I put aside everyone’s and basically choose myself.

I was scared but I just knew what I had to do.

I needed to walk away.

I knew but it didn’t make it any easier. It’s still hard.

I had it hard.

But I wasn’t the only one going through that part.

They had it hard too. Unavoidably.

From my very first day, you’ve always been the two who worried the most.

As I decided to walk away, I added another one. Another hard time.

I knew you worried a lot.

Worried if my decision turn out to fail me.

And I knew it’s not the only thing.

I knew you had to listen to people’s words.

The world’s opinions towards me.

I knew for some people, I’m a failure and at some point it affected you.

Those words, those opinions, I could always walk away from it.

Even if I want, I could throw tantrum at them.

You wouldn’t. You couldn’t.

I’m sorry I made you go through the hard part.

I thought I had it hard, but you had it hard too. 

Thank you for always sticking with me.

Not even once you turn your back on me. Never.

You even let me walk with my own pace.

You let me do what I wanted to do.

Even when I selfishly decided to run away for a while, be with myself. You still went along with it.

You knew I was having it hard and trying your best to understand.

You remind me that everything will be just fine.

Even if it’s not, you’d still be there for me. Every time.

I’m doing better now. I won’t be if it weren’t for you.

Still people won’t stop. The oblige feeling of assessing me will keep on going.

You’ll still have to listen to it.

But I promise, I’ll make both of you proud for having me.

I will stay. I will wait.

I once said I’ll stay

Now everything slowly look crumbled,

I realized this will be tough

I’m not trying to say I give up. Never

Even if I have to crawl just so I can always be by your side, I’ll do

Even if I only have seconds to catch my breath, I don’t care

I’ll breath and run to catch on my steps with yours right after that seconds.

I will be there with you.

I once said you don’t have all the time in the world

Because you bound to loose at some point

But for you, I’ll say this, take all the time in the world that you need

I will wait for you, even if it might take forever.

I will wait for you, even if it hurts so bad,

because of missing you every single day.

It’s ok, I’ll be fine. Just promise me, you’ll be fine too.

In case you don’t know yet. Yes, you’re that precious.

I’ll remind you every time if I have to.

You’re the one that I needed when I least expect it

You showed up as the example I never thought I need

You’re the living proof of true to yourself looks like

Sunday, February 10th, 2019

Today I got reminded again why I have no plan to go back.
It still exists. It’s still there.
That unbelievable non-sense hierarchy is still where it is. Not moving.
I was so mad that I was ready to burst everything out.
But I knew if I open even the slightest of my mouth at that time, nothing will end well.
I might hurt people. So, I hold myself.
Putting culture/ tradition above everything, I literally mean everything, never sit well with me.

When people will understand that my pain was never there to be compared to other?
When people will understand that saying my pain is nothing compared to them won’t make me feel any better?
When people will understand that when it actually happened, I was considering a full stop?
I was questioning whom should I trust. Should I even make an effort to trust? Is it worth?
Because I was just wasted years of trusting bullshit.
I was planning to walk away from everything.
I bet it’s a news for you because I never told you none of it. Again, trust issues.
Let me put out a clear statement. Yes, it did start because of disappointment.
But along the way, it cleared my mind and at the end without a doubt I can say it’s beyond a matter of disappointment.
It’s trust issues. It’s different principles. It’s me choosing to follow my heart.
When people will understand that there are some aspect of other’s life that they don’t have a say in it, called boundaries, no matter how close-related they are?
When people will learn to respect those boundaries?

When the other side of me snapped

I'm basically plain and simple
I don't like to complicate a circle
I mind my own
I learn to let other have their way
I can be as sweet as candy
Up until you decide to mess with me
You might want to reverse everything
Cause I can bite as cruel as you
You should've learn it before hand
You should've keep your yappers shut.
You don't talk rubbish about me. Never
You don't try me. Ever.
And you can’t get caught by me doing it. Don't.
You know, I wasn't born a bitch
But people like you taught me to be one, ocasionally
Hope you have fun dealing with the other side of me.
Bye.

When me snapped

You thought you had me fool didn't you
Well, you almost did.
I was planning to keep things as good memory

I never meant to trust you just to end up betrayed
I didn't stay close to you just to let you poke a hole in my heart
I didn't open up just to let you twist me
I didn't create memory just for you to cripple it
If I knew you'd do this, I would've let you stay outside
I gave you the power and you stepped on me the moment you had the chance
It's me to be at fault

For this I'll swallow the hurt and let it go
I'm keeping my hands clean
So let's back to be strangers

Have a better life and stop being toxic
You'll end up killing yourself at one point.
Let me be the last person you ever mess with.
Goodbye.

An open letter

Hi guys,

I currently force myself to hold doing anything more stupid than what you've done to me. Tick tock tick tock save your breath from spreading bad rumours. Tick tock tick tock don't waste your energy being fake. I already found everything out.
While you're still safe, I suggest you run. Like my dad always said, cowards know nothing about being brave. They called chicken for a reason. Run as far as possible that I will never find you. Because if I do, you might not be able to handle.

Stay safe. I'm not up to play around anymore. I had it enough.


Regards,
XOXO