Why I did the thing that I do lately...

You let me felt the dissapointment, let me reach the lowest point of my life where I lose trust (might as well lose hope) over lots of people, whom I respected. Especially for being the anointed one. Their words break lots of heart, break mine for sure. The fight over stupid things. The overdo justification. 

"Your surrounding might affect you" was the first reason. The second was "I had enough". So, I walked away.

Just what You always do, You knew and You interfere. Thank You for introducing me to this place where I learn bunch of new point of view. Not even once I pictured myself to be where I am right know. You put me somewhere I never imagine. A place where Your words being preached by this man 👆🏻. I owe it to him (and You of course) for being a great teacher. Funny because I already knew the Bible since baby and it suppose to be nothing new. Weird but I felt that I learn something. And even more weird, it keep on happening all over again every time I came. I learn and write (and hopefully change to a better one) a lot.

I haven't got the braveness to jump deeper, simply because I'm not ready yet. The imagination of me getting hurt again like the last time, running wild in my mind. People tend to disappoint, right?

Aside from that, thank You for interfering my mind, and showing me there is still hope. I know nothing what's in the future. I might come back, I might not. One thing I know I want, to grow closer to You. Lead the way, Lord 😎

The day I decided that I had enough.......

The day I decided that I had enough was the day my mind crumbling apart and my heart breaking so hard. Some people just couldn’t or even wouldn’t want to understand and simply judged me as too selfish. Because they thought, I was spontaneously only thinking about myself. They thought I was too emotional.

I was, I am and I will always thinking about myself. If it’s not me who’s thinking about myself, then who else? Those who’s talking behind my back? Those who labeled me as selfish? Of course they’re not.

Let me emphasize it.

I’ve been standing and defending so hard for what I believe that somehow along the way everything will change to a better one. There are some people not as corrupt as the other people. I still believe it until now although it seems to be less possible. The problem was when I look around, I was starting to tolerate and even some people persuade me to tolerate more. Close your eyes and close your ears, that’s what they whispered to me.I can't close my eyes and my ears and let everything slip away like it's not a big thing.

I seriously want to grow to be a better human being not to grow to be a more corrupt human being because of tolerating bad things more and more.

That’s the moment of having enough with all the crap. I was so mad that I couldn’t stop crying and stressing. Some people come around and tried to calm me down. Talk so loud that we’re going to fight it all together. Clear the air so there will be no missed understood anymore. Said if I was hurt, then all of us would felt hurt together. I believe it. I was so naive that I gave it another chance.

It turned out that those just words. It was not going to become a reality. I fall for the bull, apparently. I was mad to myself for letting them ruin my hope.

For those who labeled me as selfish, please do ask yourself. Did you really consider the pain that I’ve been through and I share with you along with my tears? Did all the sharing is caring that you’ve been yelling about in my ears really meant something? Because even until the last day, I was standing alone.

Just to be honest, I never regret my decision. Not even once. Truthfully, I miss my fireworks. But now, I’m happier and lighter.

Aku terlalu mudah luluh dengan yang namanya ramah. Bagiku, keramahan manusia tak dikenal kepada manusia tak dikenal lainnya adalah luar biasa.
Kamu adalah luar biasa bagiku ketika pertama kali bertemu mata. Mungkin bahkan keramahan kamu lah yang membuat aku mendongak dan meneliti lebih dalam. Meneliti lebih dalam tapi bukan menaruh rasa lebih dalam. Tapi dasar aku, lupa memasang gembok pengaman, tak cukup memasang pertahanan. Aku terus bertanya kapan tepatnya kamu menyusup masuk karena aku tak langsung sadar. Tiba-tiba saja kamu sudah berkeliaran dengan leluasa, menetap tenang dalam diam.
Semua tampak sudah terlambat ketika aku mulai terbiasa merasakan kamu ada. Iya, aku terbiasa. Dan perlahan hati mengijinkan aku jatuh cinta pada kamu.
Jatuh cinta yang bagiku terlalu mengada-ada. Kamu dan aku bagaikan langit dan bumi, minyak dan air yang tidak akan pernah jadi satu. Seperti pungguk merindukan bulan, mungkin.
Di mataku, kamu luar biasa manusia. Melihat kamu, aku tidak pernah menggila buta. Kamu punya dua sisi yang selalu mengingatkan aku kalau kamu masih manusia.

Tapi kamu tetap tak bisa aku jangkau. Terlalu jauh.

(aku) berhenti

Normal nya aku mudah terpengaruh. Biasa nya aku akan mudah tergoda. Sedikit saja bujuk rayu mampu membuat aku meluluh. Hari ini aku sedang tidak normal, sedang di titik luar biasa. Hari ini aku berkenalan dengan aku yang mempertahankan prinsip yang dipercaya. Bertubi-tubi mereka pinta aku berhenti. Berhenti meyakini apapun itu yang aku percaya. Aku bergeming, sedang tak mau berbelas. Atau memang setinggi itu keyakinan yang sedang aku pegang. Apapun itu, aku terlalu bulat hati. Aku sudah di ujung toleransi. Aku harus meletakkan titik dan berhenti. Sudah waktunya aku pergi.
Aku bukan nya menyerah. Aku hanya tahu kapan merasa cukup sudah. Cukup sudah aku mengijinkan mereka menghancurkan seisi hati yang di mata mereka tampak sangat naif. Cukup sudah aku mengijinkan mereka berdiri pongah di atas apa yang aku percayai. Cukup sudah aku mendengarkan semua janji yang tanpa realisasi.

My Prayer

Lord, I pray for a man that will be a part of my life
A man that really loves You MORE than everything
A man that will put me in the SECOND PLACE of his heart
A man that lives NOT for himself but for YOU
The most important is
I want a heart that really LOVES and THIRSTY of YOU
and has a desire to be like JESUS
And he must know for WHOM and for WHAT he lives
so his life ISN'T useless
Someone that has a WISE heart, not only a smart brain
A man that not only loves me but also RESPECT me
A man that not only adores me but can warn me when I’m wrong
A man that loves me not because my beauty but my heart
A man that can be my BEST FRIEND in everytime and situation
A man that can make me feel like a WOMAN when I’m beside him
But I ask for imperfect man
so I can make him PERFECT in Your eyes
A man that needs my support for his strength
A man that needs my prayers for his life
A man that needs my smile to cover his sadness
A man that needs my love so he feels being loved
A man that need me to make his life beautiful
And I also ask
make me to be a woman that can make him proud
Give me a heart that really loves You
so I can love him with YOUR LOVE and not love him only with my love
Give me Your gentle spirit
so my beauty not come from my outside but come from You
Give me Your hands
so i am always able to pray for him
Give me Your eyes
so I could see many good thing in him and not the bad one
Give me your mouth that filled with Your words of wisdom and encouragement
so I can support him everyday
Give me Your lips
so I will smile at him every morning
And I want that finally we meet,
both of us can say,"How great Thou art!"
That You give me someone that can make my life perfect
I know that You want us to meet at the RIGHT TIME
And You will make everything beautiful in Your time

AMEN!


Ps : taken from someone's path

Inspirat(or)ion

Out of nowhere, I suddenly missed the heyday of my old time -but not out of time-, my first and big source of inspiration.
Jarak dan waktu tak punya cukup kesanggupan untuk merusak rekaman kenangan. Masih dan akan selalu bernyanyi sempurna.

Ketika pemilik kehidupan sudah punya rencana, konspirasi penuh liku dan rumit pun akan selalu menemukan jalan nya. Mempertemukan dua sisi dunia yang cukup berbeda untuk menghadirkan satu tamparan sayang bukan hal yang susah. Tuhan hanya tak ingin manusia yang dicinta-Nya lupa kalau ia sungguh disayang dan bukannya satu kesalahan.
Yes, I did learn that, Sir!

Blessed!

Some said I’m so good with words, yet I never really let myself to put my thanks into words. I wrote this not for anybody at all. I wrote this as a reminder. That if someday I feel so lame, so unlucky, I would read this. And remember that I, indeed, blessed with too many things.

I breathe the air. Too simple, sounds not so extremely big deal. Fortunately, it’s a big deal. Though living in this sometimes-can-be-so-cruel kind of world can cause a hypertension, loss of patience and drained tears, I thank God for being alive. If I never had live, I wouldn’t know the experience of having the best parent in my life. They are the perfect example with their own imperfection. Stubborn and fussy. Two things I strongly inherited from both, that build me up strong enough even until now. Parent was never an enough blessing. I got thrown in the middle of three siblings. Four creatures born in the same blood, understand each other in their unique ways. Not much of a talk, but when it needed the most, we just understand and stand side by side just to support. For sure, these five people were the ones who never leave. They stubbornly stay at the lowest point of my life.

I used to think that I’ll end up with one best friend. But, He disagreed. He knew I need a little more. So He put four guardian angels, best friends, partner in crime, stupidity ally. At least for now. So whatever happens, they can countervail it. They are the ones that I mad at, cried to, and laughed with. So far, we’ve been at the same level of craziness. Somehow I can count my friends, because it was never easy for me to be open to anybody. Those who didn’t know me would point me out as quiet and vicious. I am, for the outsider. Anyway, I am blessed not only with four best friends, but also with so many more friends that I’ve been sharing laugh and life.

I knew nothing about His plan on making me adore those two who, fortunately turn out to be so humble, so kind, so big hearted. So, for this one thing, again I am blessed. For me it’s not me being lucky, it’s me being blessed. Having to know them was one time life lesson. It taught me a lot about having a big heart. Hopefully it’s not only me that being blessed by both of them. Up until now, I keep sending bundles of prayer asking Him to take a good care of both of them.

I fall in love with simple. He’s the simplest and the easiest one to fall to. He’s simply there and he’s simply a supporter, not a provocateur. With him, I had the most comfort conversation. I never regret the day we knew each other. And I never regret the things that I’ve said to him. Honestly, he’s one of the blessings that I had. I learn a lot from him. Being open, being me, and mostly being genuine. When I put a stop between, it’s not because I’m mad. I just need to stop.

I was never a big fan of kiddos. But being thrown away in the middle of hundred of kids, made me learn. What you see is what you get. They can definitely make you lift up your eyebrows, but in seconds they can turn it into laugh. They are what I called a blessing in disguise. With them, it’s not about teaching. It’s about learning together. I find out things first and then I share it with them.

I hate being hurt. But somehow, it’s one of His ways of teaching me lesson. So, I can count it as blessing. It’s a blessing to be hurt by anybody, because at one point, not immediately, I learn things. I learn whom to trust, who are my real family and friends, how I want to be treated by others, why He want me to go through things.

It’s not all the blessings that I ever had in my life. I still have the list going on and on and on. For now, this list will become my first reminder of how good He is. I am not lame. I am not unlucky. I am blessed with so many things. So, thank you, Lord :)

These are my blessings. What are yours?