She & her

Let me tell you a story about a girl. About her life.
She was born hapilly surrounded by her unique family. She enjoyed her life with the ups and the downs. Until she reached the real life (most would say that), she realized people thought her life was ultimately plain. She also started to believe it. But not that easy to influence her stubborn mind. She observed her surrounding and remember the "plain" life that she had been through. She whispered, almost everyday now, "thank you for letting me went through the so-called-plain-life-by-other, God". If He never interfered in her life and letting her taste the wild life, she might not be who she is now. Not saying that people who went through wild life are bad. She just knew it's the right thing for her. Simply knew. She saw by her own eyes how people who went through the wild life can't control what they did. Completely in no control. Not knewing the limit. She's not on board with the thought of knowing no limit. She choose to pass.
This girl also one sensitive girl. She and her inner circle knew exactly. Can't count anymore how much she curse  herself on being (too) sensitive. She felt every little changes that happened around her life, mostly over people closed to her. She hates it. When it comes to this matter, feeling come first. Logic will always get second place. Her friends told her that being sensitive is not always a bad thing. Sensitive people tend to be selfless. Others feeling often will be her primary concern because the thought of having to go through tough times lead her to try to help as much as she can. Just to put down some of the weight.
The fact that she is sensitive also influence her feeling. She never hates the people that she loved once. No matter how bad they hurt her, to hate them would be the last thing on her mind. Not because she doesn't want to hate. She just can't. Her forgiveness will always be there for them. Unfortunately some who's just so mean will used it.
This girl was born in the family who taught her to depend on God, and she grew up to be one. She doesn't care if people taught her life was plain. She's too thankful to be bother by people's thought. Yes, every second of her life, she thanked God. She live so simple that for her being thankful is important. She dislike those who keep on complaining, forget about the blessing that they already received. Even worse, complaining without doing anything. That's the stupidest thing for her. She always kept in her mind, "everything that you do, do it like you're doing it for God". Sometimes people might used the fact that she's a hardworking girl. But she knew, He is smilling up above knowing His child doing everything within her best. It's comforting enough for her. She felt content.
Not long ago, she got her heart broken by irresponsible people. Massive heart broken, you can tell. She always thought she already choose the best. She choose to stand strong defending her principle. But years went by, nothing change. She even felt that she tolerate too much. She lowered her standart, her principle. She knew it was wrong. She screamed, "STOP!". She had enough with all the tolerance that she has been given to those people. She was not going to continue being in this mislead thing. Though she had to sacfrifice her joy of being surrounded by those little firecrackers. She knew she had to stop. She grew more into the negative the last couple of years.
Do you know she fell in love with no reason? Yes, she did. Still do by the way. Unfortunately, she's one who put feeling above logic when it came to love. She still try to let the logic to come aboard first. She keeps on failing. Until she reached the point that she's too tired to fight harder. She decided to gave up and just let the love for no reason came in and do whatever it wants. She knew when the time come, she will stop. Maybe. She hopes. If only he can read this, she just want him to know, she fell for everything in him. Unexplaineable fell. She fell even before she met him. Fell more once she met him. Then she hated him. After that she fell for him again. Hated once more. Now, she fall and hate at the same time. Mixed up. Yet, she thanked him for being the protector, comfortor and joker around her this whole time. She's thankful (and sometimes curse) for having him crossed her life, though it's just a short period of time. She knew he's just too good to be true.

aku selalu bodoh ketika berurusan dengan debat

aku selalu kalah dan dengan mu pun aku kalah

mendebatmu aneh nya adalah kenyamanan

bahkan akan jadi yang paling aku rindukan

aku selalu tak mampu menatap langsung mata orang

menghindar selalu jadi senjata

mata mu tidak pernah bisa dihindarkan

tidak lama lagi bahkan akan jadi kesukaan

aku tidak ingin jatuh cinta semakin dalam padamu

karena tahu aku akan terperosok patuh
diombang-ambing sendu

aku sedang membawamu dalam setiap doa

di ujung hati yang paling ujung aku ingin kamu

tapi aku cuma ingin tidak sakit hati
sebatas itu saja

aku sedang membawamu dalam setiap doa
meminta Dia ambil kamu dari hati aku
membawa kamu jauh mulai dari sekarang
karna aku tidak ingin sakit hati
sebatas itu saja

sebatas itu saja
karna aku sedang memprediksi duka parah di ujung sana
karna aku sudah bisa melukiskan setiap gurat luka yang akan ada
karna aku tahu sampai seberapa aku bisa patah nanti nya
karna aku mengerti sesak nya akan sesakit apa

Bukan apa-apa, bukan siapa-siapa

Dengan kamu, aku jatuh hati bukan karena mata tapi sebatas cerita.

Waktu yang berlari di antara kita membuat aku mengira jatuh hati itu cuma emosi dan sudah habis.

Dan belakangan aku sadar malah makin jatuh hati.

Memikirkan kamu jadi kekasih bukannya tak pernah terlintas untuk kuminati

Tapi sungguh, mencintaimu tak seharusnya terjadi, tidak boleh terjadi.

Sebegitu inginnya aku melukai diri sendiri

Karna aku tahu dengan pasti mencintaimu hanya akan buat aku patah hati.

Entah untuk keberapa kali

Aku sedang marah pada si pencipta yang sekali lagi mengijinkan aku digiring kembali pada sang luka.

Aku memohon setengah mati, hentikan rasa yang berhasil menyelinap.

Aku terlalu sadar ketika dihadapkan pada rasa yang ujung nya cuma akan patah.

Aku tahu tidak akan pernah bisa.

Dari sekian manusia yang aku jatuhi cinta, kamu adalah yang paling tak mungkin aku punya.

Kamu ada di tingkatan di atas "tidak mungkin"

Aku tidak akan pernah lolos kualifikasi.

Kedua mata kamu, terlebih lagi hati mu.

Karna jika kita harus saling dibandingkan, aku bukan apa-apa
terlebih lagi bukan siapa-siapa.

Why I did the thing that I do lately...

You let me felt the dissapointment, let me reach the lowest point of my life where I lose trust (might as well lose hope) over lots of people, whom I respected. Especially for being the anointed one. Their words break lots of heart, break mine for sure. The fight over stupid things. The overdo justification. 

"Your surrounding might affect you" was the first reason. The second was "I had enough". So, I walked away.

Just what You always do, You knew and You interfere. Thank You for introducing me to this place where I learn bunch of new point of view. Not even once I pictured myself to be where I am right know. You put me somewhere I never imagine. A place where Your words being preached by this man 👆🏻. I owe it to him (and You of course) for being a great teacher. Funny because I already knew the Bible since baby and it suppose to be nothing new. Weird but I felt that I learn something. And even more weird, it keep on happening all over again every time I came. I learn and write (and hopefully change to a better one) a lot.

I haven't got the braveness to jump deeper, simply because I'm not ready yet. The imagination of me getting hurt again like the last time, running wild in my mind. People tend to disappoint, right?

Aside from that, thank You for interfering my mind, and showing me there is still hope. I know nothing what's in the future. I might come back, I might not. One thing I know I want, to grow closer to You. Lead the way, Lord 😎

The day I decided that I had enough.......

The day I decided that I had enough was the day my mind crumbling apart and my heart breaking so hard. Some people just couldn’t or even wouldn’t want to understand and simply judged me as too selfish. Because they thought, I was spontaneously only thinking about myself. They thought I was too emotional.

I was, I am and I will always thinking about myself. If it’s not me who’s thinking about myself, then who else? Those who’s talking behind my back? Those who labeled me as selfish? Of course they’re not.

Let me emphasize it.

I’ve been standing and defending so hard for what I believe that somehow along the way everything will change to a better one. There are some people not as corrupt as the other people. I still believe it until now although it seems to be less possible. The problem was when I look around, I was starting to tolerate and even some people persuade me to tolerate more. Close your eyes and close your ears, that’s what they whispered to me.I can't close my eyes and my ears and let everything slip away like it's not a big thing.

I seriously want to grow to be a better human being not to grow to be a more corrupt human being because of tolerating bad things more and more.

That’s the moment of having enough with all the crap. I was so mad that I couldn’t stop crying and stressing. Some people come around and tried to calm me down. Talk so loud that we’re going to fight it all together. Clear the air so there will be no missed understood anymore. Said if I was hurt, then all of us would felt hurt together. I believe it. I was so naive that I gave it another chance.

It turned out that those just words. It was not going to become a reality. I fall for the bull, apparently. I was mad to myself for letting them ruin my hope.

For those who labeled me as selfish, please do ask yourself. Did you really consider the pain that I’ve been through and I share with you along with my tears? Did all the sharing is caring that you’ve been yelling about in my ears really meant something? Because even until the last day, I was standing alone.

Just to be honest, I never regret my decision. Not even once. Truthfully, I miss my fireworks. But now, I’m happier and lighter.

Aku terlalu mudah luluh dengan yang namanya ramah. Bagiku, keramahan manusia tak dikenal kepada manusia tak dikenal lainnya adalah luar biasa.
Kamu adalah luar biasa bagiku ketika pertama kali bertemu mata. Mungkin bahkan keramahan kamu lah yang membuat aku mendongak dan meneliti lebih dalam. Meneliti lebih dalam tapi bukan menaruh rasa lebih dalam. Tapi dasar aku, lupa memasang gembok pengaman, tak cukup memasang pertahanan. Aku terus bertanya kapan tepatnya kamu menyusup masuk karena aku tak langsung sadar. Tiba-tiba saja kamu sudah berkeliaran dengan leluasa, menetap tenang dalam diam.
Semua tampak sudah terlambat ketika aku mulai terbiasa merasakan kamu ada. Iya, aku terbiasa. Dan perlahan hati mengijinkan aku jatuh cinta pada kamu.
Jatuh cinta yang bagiku terlalu mengada-ada. Kamu dan aku bagaikan langit dan bumi, minyak dan air yang tidak akan pernah jadi satu. Seperti pungguk merindukan bulan, mungkin.
Di mataku, kamu luar biasa manusia. Melihat kamu, aku tidak pernah menggila buta. Kamu punya dua sisi yang selalu mengingatkan aku kalau kamu masih manusia.

Tapi kamu tetap tak bisa aku jangkau. Terlalu jauh.

(aku) berhenti

Normal nya aku mudah terpengaruh. Biasa nya aku akan mudah tergoda. Sedikit saja bujuk rayu mampu membuat aku meluluh. Hari ini aku sedang tidak normal, sedang di titik luar biasa. Hari ini aku berkenalan dengan aku yang mempertahankan prinsip yang dipercaya. Bertubi-tubi mereka pinta aku berhenti. Berhenti meyakini apapun itu yang aku percaya. Aku bergeming, sedang tak mau berbelas. Atau memang setinggi itu keyakinan yang sedang aku pegang. Apapun itu, aku terlalu bulat hati. Aku sudah di ujung toleransi. Aku harus meletakkan titik dan berhenti. Sudah waktunya aku pergi.
Aku bukan nya menyerah. Aku hanya tahu kapan merasa cukup sudah. Cukup sudah aku mengijinkan mereka menghancurkan seisi hati yang di mata mereka tampak sangat naif. Cukup sudah aku mengijinkan mereka berdiri pongah di atas apa yang aku percayai. Cukup sudah aku mendengarkan semua janji yang tanpa realisasi.