I will stay. I will wait.

I once said I’ll stay

Now everything slowly look crumbled,

I realized this will be tough

I’m not trying to say I give up. Never

Even if I have to crawl just so I can always be by your side, I’ll do

Even if I only have seconds to catch my breath, I don’t care

I’ll breath and run to catch on my steps with yours right after that seconds.

I will be there with you.

I once said you don’t have all the time in the world

Because you bound to loose at some point

But for you, I’ll say this, take all the time in the world that you need

I will wait for you, even if it might take forever.

I will wait for you, even if it hurts so bad,

because of missing you every single day.

It’s ok, I’ll be fine. Just promise me, you’ll be fine too.

In case you don’t know yet. Yes, you’re that precious.

I’ll remind you every time if I have to.

You’re the one that I needed when I least expect it

You showed up as the example I never thought I need

You’re the living proof of true to yourself looks like

Sunday, February 10th, 2019

Today I got reminded again why I have no plan to go back.
It still exists. It’s still there.
That unbelievable non-sense hierarchy is still where it is. Not moving.
I was so mad that I was ready to burst everything out.
But I knew if I open even the slightest of my mouth at that time, nothing will end well.
I might hurt people. So, I hold myself.
Putting culture/ tradition above everything, I literally mean everything, never sit well with me.

When people will understand that my pain was never there to be compared to other?
When people will understand that saying my pain is nothing compared to them won’t make me feel any better?
When people will understand that when it actually happened, I was considering a full stop?
I was questioning whom should I trust. Should I even make an effort to trust? Is it worth?
Because I was just wasted years of trusting bullshit.
I was planning to walk away from everything.
I bet it’s a news for you because I never told you none of it. Again, trust issues.
Let me put out a clear statement. Yes, it did start because of disappointment.
But along the way, it cleared my mind and at the end without a doubt I can say it’s beyond a matter of disappointment.
It’s trust issues. It’s different principles. It’s me choosing to follow my heart.
When people will understand that there are some aspect of other’s life that they don’t have a say in it, called boundaries, no matter how close-related they are?
When people will learn to respect those boundaries?

When the other side of me snapped

I'm basically plain and simple
I don't like to complicate a circle
I mind my own
I learn to let other have their way
I can be as sweet as candy
Up until you decide to mess with me
You might want to reverse everything
Cause I can bite as cruel as you
You should've learn it before hand
You should've keep your yappers shut.
You don't talk rubbish about me. Never
You don't try me. Ever.
And you can’t get caught by me doing it. Don't.
You know, I wasn't born a bitch
But people like you taught me to be one, ocasionally
Hope you have fun dealing with the other side of me.
Bye.

When me snapped

You thought you had me fool didn't you
Well, you almost did.
I was planning to keep things as good memory

I never meant to trust you just to end up betrayed
I didn't stay close to you just to let you poke a hole in my heart
I didn't open up just to let you twist me
I didn't create memory just for you to cripple it
If I knew you'd do this, I would've let you stay outside
I gave you the power and you stepped on me the moment you had the chance
It's me to be at fault

For this I'll swallow the hurt and let it go
I'm keeping my hands clean
So let's back to be strangers

Have a better life and stop being toxic
You'll end up killing yourself at one point.
Let me be the last person you ever mess with.
Goodbye.

An open letter

Hi guys,

I currently force myself to hold doing anything more stupid than what you've done to me. Tick tock tick tock save your breath from spreading bad rumours. Tick tock tick tock don't waste your energy being fake. I already found everything out.
While you're still safe, I suggest you run. Like my dad always said, cowards know nothing about being brave. They called chicken for a reason. Run as far as possible that I will never find you. Because if I do, you might not be able to handle.

Stay safe. I'm not up to play around anymore. I had it enough.


Regards,
XOXO

Baby, you will not.

If you knew what my ears been catching up on, being scared is the least thing you need to worry about.
If you knew how much I know what you've been talking behind, you'd have an immediate shut down.
If you knew what I can share to the world simply about you, you'd wish you never talk. A word.
You'll try to crack open your memory just to remember exactly every words you ever said.
You don't think that after yapping around about me, you will be just fine, right?
Baby, you will not. It will eventually came back to you.
Every time I write something you'll keep on asking if I was writing about you.
Like, maybe now?
I won't put you in any ease. I don't do speak up but I do write out.
And I've always known as a keeper.
I. Do. Remember. Everything.

15.09.2018

You might not need this as you're doing so great now.

But sometimes life works not as we wanted it to be.

Everything looks easy and better when things just doing ok.

Not until some things fall apart, then comes the hard part

It takes courage and strength to still stand up and smile once things look troubled

It's definitely not easy for you. It's trial for those who said they love you.

Whether they're strong enough to stay or leave.

Today you're doing great.

Look around, a lot of people are rooting for you.

But the wheel might turn, the next second

The world might step on you and break you down.

The world might change side and it's not your side

If that ever happen to you, when nothing seems ok, please read this again.

The truth, there are actually people who love you so much. Me included.

Though it's difficult to stand still and stay by you,

I will still do it. Will never leave, no matter what.

I just wish that time will never come.

If it still insist on coming, you can knock on my door and collect every bits of promise I ever made

Promise that I'll stay, I'll always be there. For you.

No need to rush just to walk up, you might slip and fall

Walk just fine and follow your heart. Like you always do.

I need you more than I need you to always be on top.

You already made me proud since the day you unexpectedly moved my heart.

That, I'm sure 200%.

You’ve done a great job being my happy pills.

I owe you that much.