Leaking conversation...

Too confused to decide whether to march on a protest or to accept the fact that I'm not done learning. To have to go through the same thing all over again tear me apart. The fact that I've been through it with every breath that I had and now it's repeating, scares the hell out of me. And the fact that I have sensitivity level above the average is not helping at all. My only reaction was crying. Yes, I cried. Like a baby. He knew this crying thing is bound to happen. Eventually, He might say. But that don't make Him love me any less. Same with me, I don't love Him any less. The deep down inside my heart still believe, He meant well. If He said I'm not done yet, then I just have to get up and learn again. Easier said than done, I know. But knowing that if I ever felt tired, I can totally run to Him, put me on ease. He just know how to send extra strength. Or maybe that's what the Bible always said, He won't give anything more than I can handle.

The last couple of years I learn through myself, He's the one who give it, so He is the one who will take it back when it's time. And when it's time, trust that He already prepared something even better. But if only for this one I can make a request, once I'm done with this lesson, Lord please let me move on.

People simply see that I'm happier, from the outside. But sometimes I forgot and they didn't know. My face will always put fine to whatever I felt inside. I tend to hide it almost perfectly. But everytime I got the seconds to think, I know that I'm tougher now. But bitter. But sharper. Often I hurt people with my words.

I don't want to blame it to my surroundings. I blame myself. Because I'm the one who decide my surroundings, who I choose to be friends. No matter how constantly I said I won't be affected, but automatically people around me are those who sculpt me into who I am now. So lately I keep shouting to myself, choose your friends wisely!

Don't you dare!

I'm blessed. And I would considered stupid if I can't admit it.
But you, you don't have the tiniest bit of right to say I walk through an easy path.

You don't even know an inch of what I've been struggling inside.

You don't even have the clue of my lowest days.

I try not to judge you and your life.

I hold myself from saying your life is too easy.

Because I know everyone have their own battle, including you.

My life is not as easy as I showed people.

It's just I trust so little when it comes to sharing my whole story.

But when I said I'm blessed I mean it.

I'm blessed with both the joy and the pain, the tears and the laughters.

Without one of those, I won't learn anything.

Without the pain, I won't appreciate the joy.

Without the tears, I will take the laughters for granted.

Without you, I won't appreciate those who actually appreciate me.

Let me tell you this, stop breaking other people's heart with your judgment, your words.

Stop wasting your time saying I didn't mean to hurt you, yet you stab deeply with your words.

You don't know how much your word hurt others so get a life, dude!

I'm not OK

The fact that You let me get through this twice in a day, means I'm badass enough to handle both.

Yet You knew, I'm in pieces.

I'm trying so hard to hang in there

So I don't have the chance to hide it from You.

To sink-in all at once, have gone a little bit harder than what I expected.

In contrary, You knew this bound to happen.

When they look me in the eye, no one would have a glimpse of what happen inside

Because I, myself, is a pretty good liar.

But You?

Rather than adding my list of lie to You, I'll put it in words.
"I'm currently not ok. And I can't predict how long I will not be ok.

Right now I just keep on telling myself, "Hangin there, shit(s) do happen!"

Self title

To be able to stand up like now,
it's been a lifetime struggle
I know how it felt to be alone.
I remember how dark it was
To not even knew if I want to keep on breathing tomorrow.
The crazy thing, no one knew
Not that no one care
I hide it
I kept it only to myself
To talked about my trouble is challenging
To opened up on how some things actually hurt me is nearly impossible.
All tears happen behind closed door.
Sharing the pain is tough for me
The thought of being a burden, shut me up
The possibilities of being judged by some, shut me down
I'm not letting you know because I can't.
Too used to not doing that
Those days are hell
Even until now, the thought that those feeling might come back anytime scares me.
I still learn. So when it come back I will feel less alone
At the very least I remember that I'm not alone.

Taken for granted

Have you ever been taken for granted by some people? Too far from being appreciated? Treated bad? And you find yourself hating that person?
Relax, ain't going to ask you not to hate. Happen to me and I still learn not to hate. Slightly improve or I think so.
Being taken for granted, unappreciated and treated bad taught me something. I learn to appreciate more of those who treat me right. I learn not to take anything for granted. Any single simple thing.
Don't get me wrong, my first and second ever life lesson, I got from being appreciated by those who actually don't have any obligation to appreciate me. They treat me so right that I keep on asking what have I done so good to deserve those treatment. I'm in a lifetime debt with both of them.
I, myself, am strictly-a-bit-sensitive-close-to-hyperly-baper kind of lady. So for me, a little appreciation takes a huge part of my heart. Fiuh, you don't know what you've truly done. I adore you!
Those who can't do as little as appreciation, I felt sorry that one day you just have to learn to suck up all the regret.
I don't mind being the unimportant one. I'm used to being the last to put into consideration. I'm spotlight-less, and I'm fine. But don't ever come to ask for my attention and wish that I'll put you as priority. Never, fool

You

With You, there will be no logic explanation behind all the comfort.
Or perhaps it's just me who can't explain.
With You, it's always personal and I don't mind if people don't get it.

So many things that I stubbornly want to do despite the fact that You said don't
You knew sometimes I had to do something just because I'm the type who rather try and fail than sit still and live in "what if" phase for the rest of my life.
You understand.
Not once You said "I told you so"
Not even when I cried and admitted my stubbornness

A lil tap on my back and a whispering breeze of it's going to be okay are Your sign.
To embrace and stay quiet by my side are Your cue.
With You, it's always me complaining and You calming
The world and its human will always be tricky but to know that You're with me, it ease me a lot.

I'm out

Being in a long relationship with you made me close my eyes from everything that you did.
Even when you hurt me once or twice, I thought there's still something good inside of you.
"I just need to close my eyes one more time"
I said to myself, countless times.
While praying hard that you'll change.
In between tolerating you or loosing you
And I choose the first.
I always be the one who tried to find an excuse for you
Loosing you wouldn't be easy and moving on was just too difficult
because I've spent half of my life with you
Not until the moment you accidentally said I meant nothing. For you.
Then I realized I've put myself too low for the sake of you. My bad.
And that's it.
I'm out.

Baper

To the man she fell for, do read this

She fell for you without knowing it. Not until someone told her

She was too tired because the last time she fell, it was hurting her so bad

She couldn't even believe that she already fell.
Do note, she tried to kill it

But too late.
You already had your own palace in her heart

Ask her why she fell for you, she wouldn't know

She is never an easy person to get along with

yet you have your own way to do it

She tried to put the distance and failed

Because somehow you notice.

She stopped and just let it go.

She didn't know that she'll fall apart later

To the man she's in love with, do read this

Along the way she love you more. Hell, deeper

But she knew you won't be hers

No matter how much she love you, you will push her farther.

That's what she believed.

She decided to shut her heart

She choose to do the rare thing, gave up

Instead of fighting for you, she fight her own heart

For her, what's already there is too beautiful to be ruined

And she meant you

What you and other people don't know, she fight her heart hard

She's holding the urge of breaking down

She's still figuring out how to, at least, get up

To the man that she put her heart to,

I still don't get what you did to touch her very heart

How the hell she can love you that much.

LITTLE THEY KNOW.....

Little they know I slowly fell into depression
Not knowing how to stop them from running my life for me
"for my sake" is their sacred words

Little they know the more they force
The more stubborn I became

Little they know the more people intrude
The more I loose appetite over them
The more I would love to walk away from them

Little they know because they don't know me
Little they know because they choose to ignore my say