When the other side of me snapped

I'm basically plain and simple
I don't like to complicate a circle
I mind my own
I learn to let other have their way
I can be as sweet as candy
Up until you decide to mess with me
You might want to reverse everything
Cause I can bite as cruel as you
You should've learn it before hand
You should've keep your yappers shut.
You don't talk rubbish about me. Never
You don't try me. Ever.
And you can’t get caught by me doing it. Don't.
You know, I wasn't born a bitch
But people like you taught me to be one, ocasionally
Hope you have fun dealing with the other side of me.
Bye.

When me snapped

You thought you had me fool didn't you
Well, you almost did.
I was planning to keep things as good memory

I never meant to trust you just to end up betrayed
I didn't stay close to you just to let you poke a hole in my heart
I didn't open up just to let you twist me
I didn't create memory just for you to cripple it
If I knew you'd do this, I would've let you stay outside
I gave you the power and you stepped on me the moment you had the chance
It's me to be at fault

For this I'll swallow the hurt and let it go
I'm keeping my hands clean
So let's back to be strangers

Have a better life and stop being toxic
You'll end up killing yourself at one point.
Let me be the last person you ever mess with.
Goodbye.

An open letter

Hi guys,

I currently force myself to hold doing anything more stupid than what you've done to me. Tick tock tick tock save your breath from spreading bad rumours. Tick tock tick tock don't waste your energy being fake. I already found everything out.
While you're still safe, I suggest you run. Like my dad always said, cowards know nothing about being brave. They called chicken for a reason. Run as far as possible that I will never find you. Because if I do, you might not be able to handle.

Stay safe. I'm not up to play around anymore. I had it enough.


Regards,
XOXO

Baby, you will not.

If you knew what my ears been catching up on, being scared is the least thing you need to worry about.
If you knew how much I know what you've been talking behind, you'd have an immediate shut down.
If you knew what I can share to the world simply about you, you'd wish you never talk. A word.
You'll try to crack open your memory just to remember exactly every words you ever said.
You don't think that after yapping around about me, you will be just fine, right?
Baby, you will not. It will eventually came back to you.
Every time I write something you'll keep on asking if I was writing about you.
Like, maybe now?
I won't put you in any ease. I don't do speak up but I do write out.
And I've always known as a keeper.
I. Do. Remember. Everything.

15.09.2018

You might not need this as you're doing so great now.

But sometimes life works not as we wanted it to be.

Everything looks easy and better when things just doing ok.

Not until some things fall apart, then comes the hard part

It takes courage and strength to still stand up and smile once things look troubled

It's definitely not easy for you. It's trial for those who said they love you.

Whether they're strong enough to stay or leave.

Today you're doing great.

Look around, a lot of people are rooting for you.

But the wheel might turn, the next second

The world might step on you and break you down.

The world might change side and it's not your side

If that ever happen to you, when nothing seems ok, please read this again.

The truth, there are actually people who love you so much. Me included.

Though it's difficult to stand still and stay by you,

I will still do it. Will never leave, no matter what.

I just wish that time will never come.

If it still insist on coming, you can knock on my door and collect every bits of promise I ever made

Promise that I'll stay, I'll always be there. For you.

No need to rush just to walk up, you might slip and fall

Walk just fine and follow your heart. Like you always do.

I need you more than I need you to always be on top.

You already made me proud since the day you unexpectedly moved my heart.

That, I'm sure 200%.

You’ve done a great job being my happy pills.

I owe you that much.

Dear future me,

Just about now my world seemed to stop. I questioned myself if they’re right. Everything they thought and said. Am I actually worthless? Am I actually that stupid?

It was that special moment. I got my heart rip apart. My trust, the thing that I’ve built since I wast just a kid, break into pieces. Never thought I will be this upside down. Learning it the hard way, I start to see more things that I can’t accept as it is. To shut up and stand down are just ridiculous. Too many, I doubt that I can handle. Until I said to myself, I’ve had enough. I don’t think I can trust anything that came out from people’s mouth. At least for now.

I need to walk away otherwise it will eventually ruin you. And I’m not planning to let it happen. I ditch the current world and walk away. I still aim the same thing, I just choose to walk a different path. And until now I have no regret (I hope you won’t too).

This is now. Anytime in the future you might find it hard. Knowing me, knowing you, there will be some points where it gets harder. Unfortunately it might came even from the closest one. Your same goal but different path might made some people think you have commit the biggest sin ever. Well you know what, you’re not!

I write this as a reminder to you. This is your most personal relationship. Nobody’s business except you. Oh and except you turn out to be a worse human being.

If still there are people who interfere and it breaks you (because I know you), please remember this. No one stand there on your feet other than yourself. So no one knew perfectly how you felt. That’s why no one can decide how much you need to feel about things. No one can easily said, I know how you felt. Because they don’t.
You know your heart better than anyone else. If you feel it’s not right then it’s not right.

Stick to our original plan, ok? You’ll be fine because He got you :)

Lots of love,

Your past.

She impossibly hate you

She told you her scariest secret,
she adores you.
You treated her right, at the time when she even doubt herself
Despite how tough she can be sometimes
Despite how defensive she can be most of the times
Despite how she put no room for being vulnerable all the time

You came, you tirelessly remind her how she isn't nothing
You protect her and scold anyone who forget that she's still human after all.
You left too many kind things that she didn't even know if she deserve those
You touched her heart so much that she will forever thank you.

She already prepared for the worst.
On the edge between keeping everything as it is or kicking everything out,
You choose the first and you proved her wrong.
Nothing change. Not as dramatic as she thought before.
Then how could she hate you even for saying no?
She couldn’t and she wouldn’t.
She impossibly hate you.
She'll  always root for you. From afar. No matter what.
You are forever special for her.

She breaks, hard

There goes her heart awake from false words she kept on hearing.
There goes her mind walk away from the chaos that wore her down.
Here goes her final words over every things, lately.
She didn't give up. In fact she's done. Until the finish line.
Too many reasons for her not to do the same dance all over again. More than the fight to just keep it down.
Because she knew, she barely had the chance to go anywhere.
Because she knew empty battle just won't do, where no one have the slightest thought to fight with her.
No matter what she did and how hard she did it, at the end she's nothing. It was all for nothing. Bitter.
She knew this a little too late.
The hopes and the trust she put, too many. She ended up crushed.
She finally knew things just not right.

Some easily said she's selfish, some said she's stupid. Even some doubt her.
It's not easy, never a piece of cake. She knew it better than any of you.
She even play the "if there is........, I will......."
Nothing came up. So she said to herself, "Breath. Let go."
To put away precious things and precious ones for her, breaks her hard.
She fell down on her knee, begging herself to keep it all together.
So stop saying anything that you thought you knew about her, because you don't.

She hates changes. She has this anxiety over changes. So when she choose rather to deal with it, go figure the reason behind.
She  already did her best. Or at least that's what she thought.
Oh by the way, she perfectly knew next road might not be an easy one to walk, it's nowhere to be extra smooth. But knowing that she'll be forever in a good hands, she rest her case.

Breathe (Lee Hi)

Take a deep breath
Until both sides of your heart get numb
Until it hurts a little
Let your breath out even more
Until you feel like there’s nothing left inside

It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so

Though comforting by saying it’s alright, are just words
Someone’s breath, that heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath, it’s alright
I’ll hold you

I already knew you had a hard enough day
to even let out a small sigh
Now don’t think of anything else
Let out that deep sigh
Just let it out like that
It’s alright, I’ll hold you
You really did a good job

Life

Life is too full of jokes, I can't laugh anymore.
I reach the end of my hope over the so called life.
I've done enough
And at the end I realize you are not and never will be worthy of my begging.
So no, I won't beg. I'm just done.
You disappoint me enough, and I've reach the point of not bothering. It's okay.

Battling the reality

Don’t try, not even once to belittle one’s difficulties and saying it’s easier compare to yours. Each of us has our own battle to fight. Each of us will at least once reach our low point. Saying your battle is harder than others? Shame on you.

Life itself already exhausted to some people when reality hits hard.

Doing everything the best that they can, but at the end they have to face reality that their best will never be enough. Their best just won’t do.

Not taking anything for granted but at the end they realize they are the one that’ve been taken for granted.

When these hit, they just wish somehow someone will stand for them, simply to remind them. They have done great.

When these hit, despite the calmness they've shown, they wish at least one somehow notice they're crying inside.

Because when these hit, they tend to forget that it’s ok to fall.

Because when these hit, they tend to forget that they’re not everyone’s cup of tea and it’s ok.

Because when these hit, they tend to put themselves as the worst despite all the good things that they’ve done.

Because when these hit, they need to be reminded that everything is going to be ok.

Otherwise what’s left will only be regret.

When I'm just a human

Felt like hurtly beaten up but couldn't put it in words.
Felt like crying but seems that I'm not allowed to do so.
Too scared to share because it's hard.
No matter how stubborn I said it won't matter, it actually matters.

Have you ever felt abandoned?
Have you ever felt like no matter how hard you try you will never be good enough?
It hurts. It's awful.

Have you ever felt like people see you as a ticking bomb of bad attitude?
Ready to blow and bring so much disaster.
That they just wish you won't be around as soon as possible.
It hurts. It's awful.

So awful that you can be crazy enough to leave everything behind. Without second thought. Put a stop.

You supposed to be you who never listen to any of it.
You supposed to be you who don't give a damn.
Unfortunately, it's only the ideal.
The truth is you listen. You give a damn.
And then you fell hurt. And you feel overhelmly awful.

People might think they are crazy for having difficulties to share things. But it's the truth, there are people who can't share everything easily. Those who feel too down to point out what's wrong. There are people who think they don't have the privilege to have best friend. There are people who think they are too low to be precious.
Life will give you tears and laughters. Everything has its time. We knew but often we forgot. Please look around a bit more. Don't be around your closest one only on good time. They need you more in their worse time. Even if you're unable to lend a hand, just by being there, sometime it is more than enough. Don't judge, that might be what worries them the most. Judgment from people. They don't need it from their closest one. They already got it from the rest of the world. So please, don't.
They might be on the point where they are running low of life. The point where they need to stop for a while. The point where it's so low that they are afraid they can't handle everything.
Truth is everyone can be on that point of their life. Some can easily share. Some simply can't.

STOP

Are you happy doing what you do now?

If not, STOP!

There are people who were born to exert oneself.

Yours is simply born to be happy.

So do it, be happy!

-selfish talk/ thought-

Call me crazy or probably old school.
But for me it's stupid when people start to tolerate or worse, thinking that it's a casual-normal thing when someone throw a bad attitude just because they're so used to doing it.

"She said rude things to me".
"Oya? But it's her. She often do that"

...
...
...

So what? So often that it's okay, it's normal?

Just because it's so often and turn out to be a habit
..it doesn't justify anything.
..it doesn't make it right.
..it doesn't make it nothing.
It's still bad. And I just don't get it.

Because it is okay

I always knew that it's okay to live your life the way you want it. The thing is I tend to forget

It is okay to have different opinions with anyone
It is okay to fall in love and not getting any in return
It is okay if you want to have a mediocre life.

It is okay if you're running out of breath and you need to stop. And cry.
It is okay to make mistakes, fall and regret it.
It is okay to fail and need more time to get up than normal people do.
It is okay to be not okay.
And it is okay to admit that you're not okay.

It is okay to say no to toxic.
To let go some people or some things that don't add value to your life is totally your rights.
If it makes you happy, do it.
Those who judge often are not the people who stay by your side especially on your worse time. So it's okay to sink their words down to the deepest hole. Or better, yet more difficult to do, don't listen to any.

It is okay to spend more time to listen to yourself even if it means more time alone away from everyone.
And it is okay to enjoy every second of it.
Sometimes being selfish for the sake of yourself is needed.
You being happy matter the most. To you.

Because at the end it's only between you and God.
You, your decision and your responsibility.
No one will be there to defend you
No one will be there to protect you.
And this goes for everyone.